(I don't know if this post is an apology to myself, or just an acknowledgement so I don't forget.)
Doing a PhD is hard. It can be lonely and unrewarding for long periods on end. It can be detrimental to your mental health. You need to have self-confidence, motivation and ability. Above all, it requires the grit and determination to see it through.
I lack grit and determination; I like having external deadlines I can run late for, and I'm easily distracted by all the other interesting things I could be doing.
This was a hard thing for me to get. I'm starting my fourth year and still not finished. Financially this is not a problem for me, but I should be further along.
I let things slip, I took a break for three months and then on my return I never quite got back on track. I blamed my health, my other commitments, and so on. I never blamed just myself.
Fundamentally, being brutally honest, it is my fault and noone else's.
The problem is that PhD's are demanding of you in a way that working or taught study is not. Demanding in a way I had never needed to deal with.
Noone is managing you. Noone is there to give or enforce deadlines. Noone is there to stop you from making mistakes. Noone is there to make you feel guilty for not doing your work. There is the possibility that you'll have a hard time even just finding people to chat to about your research.
You have to manage your time. You have to make your own deadlines and stick to them. You have to make sure you don't slide into bad habits. You can get help and advice from your supervisors but only if you ask them for help, and help them help you. You have to go out and make connections. You have to go out and discuss your half-formed ideas with others. You have to make sure you are not doing your own thing for years. You have to seek help, not just ignore your problems.
In much of this I failed, but now I must draw on what little inner reserves I have, correct my mistakes, and get this finished. It is time to face the fact I am an adult and responsible for my own choices.
I need to go find my determination to see this through. I don't think it will be easy, but I hope I will be a better person by the end of it.
Not sure I'd consider you lacking in grit, given the quantity and quality of what you do.
It's a good thing to have problems, no? If you aren't having them, you're probably not doing much that's new or worthwhile.
Posted by: Tom Hume | 02/11/2008 at 11:12 PM
Sounds like a tough time. You know what you need? You need a montage.
I hope it works out OK. FWIW, I'm sure it will; and if it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing. :)
Posted by: James Burt | 03/11/2008 at 11:22 PM